TRIGGER WARNING
also if youre under the age of 15 please get your parents to read this before you do.

(check out pt1 before reading pt2 – https://ohtay.blog/portfolio/pt1/)

pt2

fast forward 4 months to january 2013

by this point in my life i was still pretty sceptical about this god thing despite accepting jesus into my heart. i wasn’t completely sure if he was real or if i had made up this whole idea because i needed something in my life. in conjunction with these thoughts about god i was also still struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts. although these thoughts were not as predominat as they were before i met jesus they were in the back of my mind and every so often they made their way to the front.

in january of 2013, despite having these feelings i was about to embark on a christian camp for a week. before going to camp, i had a conversation with my youth leader where she said I should have some expectations for what god was going to do and ask him to fulfil them. there was no harm in trying and so i gave it a go and while i hadn’t really prayed before i simply asked god for three things.

1. if you’re real god, prove it
2. tell me why i shouldn’t hurt myself ever again
3. give me a reason why I shouldn’t kill myself

now this is blunt i know, but this was exactly how and what i asked god. although i didn’t necessarily think these things would happen, i put them before god and it was up to him from there.

this camp absolutely blew my mind.. not only was the week full of chaos and fun but everything i knew about god changed.
2 days into this camp god had already fulfilled my first expectation. we were in a morning sesion and during the worship song called spirit break out instead of singing everyone in the room chanted the lyrics instead. i remember stopping right there and being overwhelmed by what i know now as the presnece of god. i looked around the room at the 800 + teenagers chanting these lyrics with their whole heart and soul. in that momment everything clicked and i said to god “ okay you’re real god because this isn’t possible if you’re not”. from that moment i instantly knew he was real as i could psysically feel his presence and there was no way 800 teenagers would be chanting, wholeheartedly believing the lyrics they were chanting without him being real. experiencing this was enough in itself as i was pretty happy to go home from camp with this just experince alone. little did i know god had other plans and he was not finished with me yet.

the 23rd of jan aka the wednessday night of camp was the best day i have ever experienced in the 22 years of this earth. on this night the preacher was talking about strongholds but i had absolutely no idea what they were. not knowing what a stronghold was meant that i had completely ruled out that night for experincing god. again, god had other plans as after the message during worship the preacher said “there are people here that need to let go of the stronghold of self-harm”. immediately i knew what a stronghold was at that moment and immediately i knew the preacher was talking about me. the preacher asked those with the stronghold to come to the alter and as soon as this was said i heard god loud and clear saying “go” but of course nothing was that easy so i replied “ i can’t go god, im on people care and i have to stay on the door” he said “go” for a second time and i explained the situation to him again. i was fighting with god in this moment as i knew this moment was for me but at the same time i was anxious to go to the front as people would know that i was experiencing this. two seconds later however my legs started walking to the front of the alter and i had kind of given up arguing with him and decided instead to accept this moment. once at the front i was still anxious but there was a peace about it. down at the alter i was prayed over and for the first time ever i experienced the overwhelming love of god. in this moment he said that he loved me, he said that i was beautiful and no longer did i have hurt myself. he said that if you feel like you want to hurt yourself again, remember this moment. i dwelt in this, in his presence and cried more than i ever have in my entire life.

after this whole experience of his love, of his forgivness and of peace i thought everything was over but thats when the last expectation was about to be fulfilled. the preacher then said, “there’s also people that experience suicidal thoughts or have attempted suicide and need to let go of that” and asked them to come forward. i walked foward again this time with just as much anxiety as the first but this time with expectation. i felt the love all over again, i felt accepted, i felt forgiven and i finally felt free. i heard his voice saying he choose me, that he planned me and that i was here on this earth for a reason although i didnt know what that reason was yet. in this moment he said “let go of the strongholds” and as i did i collapsed in his presence knowing that i never had to do any of these things or have any of these thoughts ever again.

since this camp i’ve known gods real, i’ve known his love and i’ve know his forgiveness. everything changed after that camp; i never attempted suicide again, i overcame anxiety, depression and anorexia nervosa and i only self-harmed once in the following year and never in the years after (after doing it every day for almost 4 years). it’s been a journey and a long one at that but this is where it started and this was the beginning. i’m not proud of what i’ve done, but i’m thankful for the grace, love and fogivness of god and without it i wouldn’t be here today. despite theses years being the worst years of my life and despite going through all of this, i wouldn’t change it one bit and without it i wouldn’t have this story to tell you.

Despite everything that happened, darkness did not win and despite everything that happens, it never will.